Watching Molly yawn is just amazing. She opens her mouth and her tongue sticks out a bit. Then, as she yawns, her mouth opens wider and her tongue just grows, and grows, and grows, 'till finally it's gotta be about 2/3rds the length of her body.
It's like, Christ, Molly, how much tongue have you got in there? Are you part iguana? Can you catch grasshoppers with that thing?
"Hey Molly, is there some way that we could harness all the static electricity your fur produces?"
"Seriously, daddy? Seriously? I'm a philosopher, not a physicist."
"Did you know that once upon a time physicists were known as 'natural philosophers'?"
"Um. I'm also not a historian."
"I never get that right. Is it 'a' historian, or 'an' historian."
"I'm also not an English teacher."
"Do you mean you're not a 'grammarian'?"
"Like I said, not an English teacher."
"Oh well. Anyway, it's a pity about not being able to harness the energy of your fur. Talk about a renewable resource!"
"Oh well. Anyway, it's a pity about not being able to harness the energy of your fur. Talk about a renewable resource!"
"Yup." She yawned. "That's a pity alright."
Yesterday, on the way back from the dog park, Molly told me that she wants to create an internet dating site called, “OKDoggie.”
“Um, I don’t think a dating site for dogs would do very well. Canine internet usage is still very low.”
“How would you know, daddy”, she grinned slyly, “on the internet, no one knows you’re a dog.” She did her little chuckle-snort. “But anyway, it wouldn’t be a site for dogs, it would be for their humans. After all, OKCupid isn’t a dating site for cupids.”
“You want to start a site for dog’s humans?”
“Yes, it would be for humans that live with dogs, and want to meet other humans that live with dogs. I think it is hard for some people to accept another human who puts the needs of their dog first. Humans can be very selfish that way – it’s always ‘me, me, me’, instead of ‘my dog, my dog, my dog’.”
“Hmmmm. Well, what about humans who aren’t fortunate enough to care for a dog? They need love too.”
“Yes. Absolutely. They need love more than anyone! Humans that care for cats, birds, fish, platypus, whatever, would be allowed on the site, as long as they understand the role of the dog in the relationship.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” I enjoy humoring Molly. “So, how does this work?”
“It’ll be easy. You create an account, then post photos of your dog, what you love about your dog, the games you and your dog like to play, and what you are looking for in a stepsibling for your dog. Then you look through other profiles until you find one that you think your dog will like and send them a message. If it’s a match, you get together and sniff each other’s butts. Voila.”
“Voila? I think this idea needs more work.”
“Really?” She looked stunned. “Well, OK, you give me your ideas and I’ll see if I can integrate some of them.”
“Sounds good, Molly. I’ll let you know what I come up with.”
Wow. An internet dating site for dog’s humans? I’ve certainly heard worse ideas that took the world by storm.
“Um, I don’t think a dating site for dogs would do very well. Canine internet usage is still very low.”
“How would you know, daddy”, she grinned slyly, “on the internet, no one knows you’re a dog.” She did her little chuckle-snort. “But anyway, it wouldn’t be a site for dogs, it would be for their humans. After all, OKCupid isn’t a dating site for cupids.”
“You want to start a site for dog’s humans?”
“Yes, it would be for humans that live with dogs, and want to meet other humans that live with dogs. I think it is hard for some people to accept another human who puts the needs of their dog first. Humans can be very selfish that way – it’s always ‘me, me, me’, instead of ‘my dog, my dog, my dog’.”
“Hmmmm. Well, what about humans who aren’t fortunate enough to care for a dog? They need love too.”
“Yes. Absolutely. They need love more than anyone! Humans that care for cats, birds, fish, platypus, whatever, would be allowed on the site, as long as they understand the role of the dog in the relationship.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” I enjoy humoring Molly. “So, how does this work?”
“It’ll be easy. You create an account, then post photos of your dog, what you love about your dog, the games you and your dog like to play, and what you are looking for in a stepsibling for your dog. Then you look through other profiles until you find one that you think your dog will like and send them a message. If it’s a match, you get together and sniff each other’s butts. Voila.”
“Voila? I think this idea needs more work.”
“Really?” She looked stunned. “Well, OK, you give me your ideas and I’ll see if I can integrate some of them.”
“Sounds good, Molly. I’ll let you know what I come up with.”
Wow. An internet dating site for dog’s humans? I’ve certainly heard worse ideas that took the world by storm.
I told Molly that I am thinking of dressing her up in a turkey costume for Thanksgiving.
She said, "Ooooh, oooooh. Yes. That's awesome. I would look so cute. Where's the costume? Show me! Show me!"
"Really? You actually want me to dress you up like a turkey?"
"Uh, yeah. No."
Apparently she knew I was bluffing.
She said, "Ooooh, oooooh. Yes. That's awesome. I would look so cute. Where's the costume? Show me! Show me!"
"Really? You actually want me to dress you up like a turkey?"
"Uh, yeah. No."
Apparently she knew I was bluffing.
This morning, sitting on the couch, there was a noise out in the street. Molly's ears perked straight up.
“Hey Molly”, I whispered.
“Yes, dad”, she whispered back.
“You can hear me.”
“Of course I can hear you. Why?”
“Sometimes I think you’ve got amazing hearing, other times it seems like you can’t hear me at all.”
“Sometimes I care what you are saying, other times I don’t care at all.”
Well, that was brutally honest. “Geeze, don’t bother sugar coating it.”
“Yeah, well, hey. I haven’t had my coffee yet. Besides, why are we whispering?”
“Hey Molly”, I whispered.
“Yes, dad”, she whispered back.
“You can hear me.”
“Of course I can hear you. Why?”
“Sometimes I think you’ve got amazing hearing, other times it seems like you can’t hear me at all.”
“Sometimes I care what you are saying, other times I don’t care at all.”
Well, that was brutally honest. “Geeze, don’t bother sugar coating it.”
“Yeah, well, hey. I haven’t had my coffee yet. Besides, why are we whispering?”
This morning at breakfast, Molly told me that she has decided to be Asian.
“I’m not sure you know what that means”, I told her, “Why have you decided to be Asian?”
She said that yesterday, at the dog park, she met a really nice dog who said he was Asian, so she’s decided that she will be Asian too.
I tried to explain to her that it doesn’t quite work that way – you can’t just decide to be Asian. You either are, or you’re not.
“Why not?” she pressed on, pouting slightly.
It took a while to stifle my laughter. Then, in the kindest possible way, I explained that if you have Asian ancestors, and you’re born in Asia, then you’re Asian. “You could also be something like ‘Asian American’, if your ancestors are Asian, but you are born in America. No matter how nice Asian dogs might be, you don’t have Asian ancestors, and you were born here, so, you’re not Asian.”
All she said was, “I’m Asian”, and then walked away.
So, I guess I have an Asian dog. We’ll see if she’s still Asian after she meets a nice dog from Brazil, or Germany, or Nigeria.
“I’m not sure you know what that means”, I told her, “Why have you decided to be Asian?”
She said that yesterday, at the dog park, she met a really nice dog who said he was Asian, so she’s decided that she will be Asian too.
I tried to explain to her that it doesn’t quite work that way – you can’t just decide to be Asian. You either are, or you’re not.
“Why not?” she pressed on, pouting slightly.
It took a while to stifle my laughter. Then, in the kindest possible way, I explained that if you have Asian ancestors, and you’re born in Asia, then you’re Asian. “You could also be something like ‘Asian American’, if your ancestors are Asian, but you are born in America. No matter how nice Asian dogs might be, you don’t have Asian ancestors, and you were born here, so, you’re not Asian.”
All she said was, “I’m Asian”, and then walked away.
So, I guess I have an Asian dog. We’ll see if she’s still Asian after she meets a nice dog from Brazil, or Germany, or Nigeria.
“Hey Molly, you look a bit down.” Immediately she lay down. “No, geesh. I didn’t mean lay down.”
“Then why did you say ‘down’?”
“It’s just an expression.”
“Well, you said ‘down’, and I lay down, so you owe me a treat.”
“OK, next time I’m near the treat jar, remind me and I’ll give you a treat.”
“You can count on it!”
“Anyway, you seem a little depressed.”
“I seem depressed? I’ve just been giving you some space because you seem depressed.”
“Well, things have been a bit hard since COVID.”
“What’s COVID?” she asked.
“It’s a dangerous disease that humans get, and it has been infecting a lot of people.”
“Huh. Well, that explains some things. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to worry you. Its only something humans get.”
“Mmmmmm. I see why you didn’t bother me with this. It’s not like there are any humans I care about.” She snarked.
“Yeah, you're right. I should have told you. So, you’ve been giving me my space?”
“Yes, you seem down and a bit snippy, so I’ve been giving you some space.”
“I’ve been snippy?”
“Yes, daddy. You’ve been snippy. And distant."
“Geee, I’m sorry. Thank you for being so understanding.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Now, about that treat.”
“Then why did you say ‘down’?”
“It’s just an expression.”
“Well, you said ‘down’, and I lay down, so you owe me a treat.”
“OK, next time I’m near the treat jar, remind me and I’ll give you a treat.”
“You can count on it!”
“Anyway, you seem a little depressed.”
“I seem depressed? I’ve just been giving you some space because you seem depressed.”
“Well, things have been a bit hard since COVID.”
“What’s COVID?” she asked.
“It’s a dangerous disease that humans get, and it has been infecting a lot of people.”
“Huh. Well, that explains some things. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to worry you. Its only something humans get.”
“Mmmmmm. I see why you didn’t bother me with this. It’s not like there are any humans I care about.” She snarked.
“Yeah, you're right. I should have told you. So, you’ve been giving me my space?”
“Yes, you seem down and a bit snippy, so I’ve been giving you some space.”
“I’ve been snippy?”
“Yes, daddy. You’ve been snippy. And distant."
“Geee, I’m sorry. Thank you for being so understanding.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Now, about that treat.”
This morning, at breakfast, I asked Molly why cats bring up hairballs, but dogs don’t.
“Cats do what?” she asked.
“Bring up hairballs.”
“What’s a hairball?”
“Well,” I said, “it’s basically a ball of fur.”
“And they throw these up?”
“It’s more like coughing them up.”
“Cats cough up balls of fur?”
“Yes. Cats cough up balls of fur.”
“That’s weird.” Molly opined. “I wonder why they do that.”
“Cats do what?” she asked.
“Bring up hairballs.”
“What’s a hairball?”
“Well,” I said, “it’s basically a ball of fur.”
“And they throw these up?”
“It’s more like coughing them up.”
“Cats cough up balls of fur?”
“Yes. Cats cough up balls of fur.”
“That’s weird.” Molly opined. “I wonder why they do that.”
“Yesterday at the dog park was scary,” Molly told me.
“Yes, it really was. I was scared for you.”
“Why were those dogs mean to me, Daddy? I just want to play.” She wailed.
“I don’t know honey, but we got you out of there and you’re safe now. I hope you still want to go to the dog park again.”
“Yes,” she said, “fur shur, but I don’t want other dogs to be mean to me. How do I make them not be mean to me?”
“I wish I knew, honey, I wish I knew. Maybe instead of running away you should just ignore them, or stand your ground, or just lie down and go passive, or growl and show your teeth.”
“Maybe I can get a tattoo on my forehead that says, ‘born to bite’?”
I tried to take her seriously. “Well, er, I don’t think that would work very well. Your forehead is covered in fur, so a tattoo won't show up. Besides, you wouldn’t want everyone to be scared of you, right?”
“That’s true.”
“So, we’ll just keep going to the dog park, and you try different approaches. You can let me know when you’ve figured it out.”
“OK, daddy. I love you.”
“I love you too, Molly.”
“Yes, it really was. I was scared for you.”
“Why were those dogs mean to me, Daddy? I just want to play.” She wailed.
“I don’t know honey, but we got you out of there and you’re safe now. I hope you still want to go to the dog park again.”
“Yes,” she said, “fur shur, but I don’t want other dogs to be mean to me. How do I make them not be mean to me?”
“I wish I knew, honey, I wish I knew. Maybe instead of running away you should just ignore them, or stand your ground, or just lie down and go passive, or growl and show your teeth.”
“Maybe I can get a tattoo on my forehead that says, ‘born to bite’?”
I tried to take her seriously. “Well, er, I don’t think that would work very well. Your forehead is covered in fur, so a tattoo won't show up. Besides, you wouldn’t want everyone to be scared of you, right?”
“That’s true.”
“So, we’ll just keep going to the dog park, and you try different approaches. You can let me know when you’ve figured it out.”
“OK, daddy. I love you.”
“I love you too, Molly.”
Last night I shooed Molly off the couch so I could lie down and meditate. Ahhhhhh. It was so nice and warm where she had been laying.
“Thank you, Molly. The couch is so nice and warm!”
“Sure, thank me, woo hoo. I’ll just warm up a spot on the ottoman while you ignore me for the next half hour. No problem.”
Huh? “Well,” I told her, “it is my couch.”
“Yeah? And who was it that invited me to live in their house?”
“Hey, Molly, what’s up? Are we having a fight?”
“I’m sorry, dad. I’ve just been so anxious about the election. Even with it over, I’m still tense.”
“Uhhh, you were concerned about the election?”
“Yeah, it was a real nail biter.”
“The election for President? Biden vs. Trump?” I asked.
“What’s that? I’m talking about Mack vs. Charlie for king of the dog park. Then when Benny came in as a third-party candidate, no one knew if there would even be a clear winner. It was a squeaker, fur shur.”
“'Squeaker', huh? 'Fur shur'? Are those puns?” Now that she is making puns, I had to ask.
“Ha, ha, ha, ha,” she snorted, “I guess they are puns.” She laughed. “It wasn’t intentional. I must be getting good at these puns if I’m doing it by accident!”
"If no one got a majority, would you have to have a 'run' off? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
"Oooof", she pantomimed being punched in the gut. "Good one dad."
“Thanks! So... who won?”
“One what?”
“Who won the election, silly?”
“Oh, it was Mack. I think he’ll make a good king.” She opined.
“Well, that’s a relief!”
“Psssh, you’re telling me!”
Anyway, we made up, she stopped being pissed at me about the couch, and I was able to meditate in peace. What a relief.
“Thanks! So... who won?”
“One what?”
“Who won the election, silly?”
“Oh, it was Mack. I think he’ll make a good king.” She opined.
“Well, that’s a relief!”
“Psssh, you’re telling me!”
Anyway, we made up, she stopped being pissed at me about the couch, and I was able to meditate in peace. What a relief.
She looked at me quizzically, “You want a beautiful doggy? I thought I was perra bonita!”
“I didn’t know you spoke Spanish.”
“Si”, she said, “I think speaking multiple languages shows good breeding.”
I was astounded. “Is that a pun?”
“Yes,” she said, “it is a pun, but look…”
“Wow, you just made a pun!”
"Yes. Yes. I made a pun. But you are avoiding the issue. Am I not your beautiful dog?”
“Si. Molly es Doggo Bell.”
This morning, at breakfast, I said to Molly, “I get why you shed your coat in spring, but why do you also shed in the fall?”
She said, “Why do you keep asking me questions like that? I’m a dog. That doesn’t mean I know how dogs work. I’m not a veterinarian.”
“True, but…”
“Look, you really need to chill out daddy-o,” she interrupted, “if it feels good to lie in the sun, I lie in the sun. If it’s time to shed, I shed. As Ram Dass said, just be.”
I don’t have the first clue how she knows about Ram Dass, and I’m ignoring the fact that she probably meant, “Be here now”, but, she is right I suppose.
She said, “Why do you keep asking me questions like that? I’m a dog. That doesn’t mean I know how dogs work. I’m not a veterinarian.”
“True, but…”
“Look, you really need to chill out daddy-o,” she interrupted, “if it feels good to lie in the sun, I lie in the sun. If it’s time to shed, I shed. As Ram Dass said, just be.”
I don’t have the first clue how she knows about Ram Dass, and I’m ignoring the fact that she probably meant, “Be here now”, but, she is right I suppose.
This afternoon I asked Molly why it is that on a hot day, she will lay out on the stones of the patio, in full sun, and bake.
She said, “Because if feels good.”
“Why does it feel good.”
“How should I know,” she replied, “I’m a dog, but that doesn’t mean I know how a dog works. How much do you know about how a human works and why you like what you like. Besides, I’m only 1 year old. I’m not even an adult dog. Laying in the sun feels good.”
Point taken.
She said, “Because if feels good.”
“Why does it feel good.”
“How should I know,” she replied, “I’m a dog, but that doesn’t mean I know how a dog works. How much do you know about how a human works and why you like what you like. Besides, I’m only 1 year old. I’m not even an adult dog. Laying in the sun feels good.”
Point taken.
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